|The Tale of the Two Timing Betty: A Cautionary Tale
||[Jan. 17th, 2006|07:51 am]
One weekend Fuzzy Biscuits hosted a lavish party at his pimp mansion. In fact a select group of invitees were currently gathered in his grand ballroom. One of his guests happened to remark, “My those ruby red high heels sure are striking. Is there a reason why you have them nailed to the wall of your ballroom Big Daddy Biscuit?”
The Biscuit grinned magnanimously over his sifter of Cristal, “Why I am glad you brought up that topic my kind guest. There happens to be an excellent cautionary tale behind this particular display. Everybody gather round. It be story time.” And so the guests all gathered round in breathless anticipation, awaiting the next chapter from the legend of Fuzzy Biscuits.
“Dearly gathered audience, if any of you are easily excited, easily offended, or currently have a heart condition then I recommend you get outta my house now.” Not a soul stirred. And this is how that story went…
A long time ago during the Biscuits youthful exploits he happened to be dating a particular dame who fancied herself high class. She went by the name of Jenna James. Now Jenna came from the right kind of family to consider herself upper crust, but truth be told her family fortunes had long since eroded. Naturally she was attracted to the wealth and power of the Biscuit in addition to his considerable manly charms.
And so after a fashion the two began to date. And as usual the Biscuit treated her as he was wont to do with all his high class mistresses. He pampered her with luxury, clothed her in the latest fashions from Milan, and put her up in a conveniently accessible hotel room at the Ritz. For a time all went well with the Biscuit and his dame.
But as you might expect dear audience that all changed rather quickly. One day the Biscuit was talking to one of his homies when he found out a rather distressing fact.
“Yo Biscuit, you know that dame Jenna? Well the other day I saw her riding in a car with this dirty Mexican worker. Name of Juan Gonglongdong. He’s broke as a joke but he’s pretty popular with the ladies on account of his big feet if you knows what I mean. Well I know she’s your dame cos she been with you a lot lately so I decided to check it out…” He paused hesitantly and gulped.
The Biscuit lifted his eyebrows expressively as he puffed a big fat O ring on his expensive Cuban cigar. “Do go on homie. I always reward those faithful to the Biscuit.”
The homie continued his story, “Well I followed them for a bit and they pulled up at this abandoned warehouse. I’m thinking if it smells like fish and flops around like a fish it’s probably a fish right? So a bits later I snuck in after thems to see what the stink was about. And what do I see but there he is Juan Gonglongdong himself giving her the business with her ruby heels spread to the sky and her calling out to god in the most nonreligious sorta way.”
At this point the Biscuit raised up his jewel encrusted hand. “That is all I needed to hear homie. The heels confirm it. As I said I always reward my faithful friends.” Wordlessly the Biscuit slid a fat manilla envelope across the table. “Now if you will excuse me I have a little laundry I need to clean.”
The next day the Biscuit shows up at the Ritz as usual at the usual time to pick up his dame. The extra long black limo cruises right up. Soon Jenna comes down looking seductive as ever in a red low cut gown, red Gucci handbag, and her trademark ruby red high heels.
The door opens and she steps in. The limo starts moving. The interior of the car is dimly lit. There is a freshly opened bottle of Cristal sitting on ice. There is a glass already poured. The Biscuit smiles like a fat cat and purrs, “Drink up my dear. We are in for good times tonight.”
Jenna winks coquettishly and curls up on the Biscuits arm as she sips the Cristal. “Oooh something special? Do you have another surprise present for little ole me?”
The Biscuit beams at her, “Oh it’s the best present yet baby. But first I want to ask you a few questions. Answer correctly and you might get something very special.”
Jenna titters as she leans over suggestively to better display her ample bosom. “Ooo I love to play games, but can’t you give me the present first?”
The Biscuit wags his finger negatively. “Oh no that would be cheating. And we can’t have that! Okay question number one. If you could pick between having all the money in the world or great no strings attached sex. Which would you choose?”
Jenna tosses her head proudly. “Money of course. Everyone knows that poor people will only drag you down.”
The Biscuit holds up one finger and replies, “Strike one. The real answer is you would choose both. Question number two. What do you think of Mexican immigrants in general?”
Jenna snorted. “That’s an easy one. Mexicans are dirty, poor, and breed like weasels. They are one of the biggest reasons why our welfare system is screwed up and I wish there was a law to drive every one of them outside our state borders!”
Biscuit holds up two fingers, “Strike two. Is that any way to talk about your own lover?”
At this point Jenna’s face goes a little pale and her palms get sweaty. She backs away a bit and says, “Ummm I don’t know what you mean by that. Uh, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to but you know me...” She flutters her eyelashes in vain, “I wouldn’t involve myself with someone below my station!”
Biscuit continues blandly as if she never said a word, “Question number three. Do you know what the difference is between a cheater and a whore?”
Jenna’s eyebrows are all knit up in confusion by this question, “N-no… what are you getting at here?”
Biscuit holds up his third finger, “Strike three. The difference is that a whore gets paid at the end of the night. Oh and by the way the drugs in your drink should be kicking in just about now.”
And then the world got just a little dizzy and fuzzy for Jenna. And right about then she realized that she was getting banged in the ass and jizzed in the face. As the Biscuit dumped the used rubber on her forehead he looked down and said, “I would like to say something rather clever and pithy at this point but I think this will get the point across better.” And with that he booted her half naked, disheveled body into a nearby ditch.
She landed rather awkwardly on her face and realized with some trepidation that the warm trickling feeling coming down her leg meant that she had just urinated on herself. As she heard the limo speeding off she also realized that she had no idea where the hell she had been dumped off. And the last thing she realized before she started bawling like a baby into her used condom was that she had no shoes on and her cell phone was quite certainly missing.
As the Biscuit relaxed in the back seat of his plush limo he casually remarked to his chauffeur. “You know these high heels. I think they’ve just become my favorite new decoration. I think they will prove highly educational.”